ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

CHAOS OR CONTENTMENT

 Is your relationship in the Vicious or Delicious Cycle? If you have already shifted from Chaos to Contentment, do you understand how to “Keep The Change” and does your partner? What happens when you are willing to let go of a situation or disagreement and your partner prefers to continue to chase his, her or your “tale”? The most challenging aspect of PEACE is the skill you demonstrate during situations and in environments that are not peaceful therefore the Mission Statement of The Divorce Forum™ is that “Peace will not find you; you must find peace”. Many clients in the process of divorce ask questions that can best be answered like this, “In the choice between fight or flight, choose neither.”;

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband and I have been separated for 16 months. There is no separation agreement in place. I bought my property 6 yrs before my husband and I met with the proceeds from a house I bought 4 years before that. We started living together 1/99, married 4/00, 1st child born 8/00, 2nd born 12/02. While in the hospital caring for our premature child, my husband committed adultery. Once I returned home I found out and asked him to leave 3/03. How much is my husband allowed of my assets? For how long is alimony granted? Does the amount he is entitled to stop when he leaves or does it increase with the rise in economy? What is usually included in child support payments? I received an inheritance of $40,000.00 in '98 and applied this to my home; is this amount be considered part of the family assets?

Sincerely yours,

Maddest Mom

Dear Maddest,

You will want to discuss this with a Divorce Financial Planner as there are many variables. You have focused only on the bottom line and have not requested coaching about the infidelity or end of trust in the marriage and I am not clear if you are experiencing any emotional response to this situation. However, I feel concerned as it appears that you have avoided the emotional work that is always a component of divorce, even if you never felt love for your husband or felt hopeful that your need for companionship and fairness would be met. It is certainly essential to attend to the financial aspect of your future, however, as the children are still young, their needs for emotional authenticity and peace will be equal to their need for financial security. I urge you to request a free session from me or to seek a divorce counselor or therapist with whom you are willing to explore these emotional issues.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach,

Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband and I have been separated for 13 months.  Our kids are both off to college in August and he says that once they are both gone we will figure out about “the divorce” online.  Is it really possible to get divorced online? I think that we are going to be able to sit down peacefully and decide about property, etc.  We are still friends, but came to the realization (after 20 years) that we could no longer live together.  I really would love a peaceful, non-lawyer divorce; .any suggestions on how to proceed? 

Sincerely yours,

What Price Peace

Dear What,

Congratulations on your good sense and peace-loving nature which will go far in creating a peaceful, non-litigated divorce. During your free 1 hr. phone session I will outline the Marital Mediation/Divorce Mediation options that we offer which are inexpensive, simple and peaceful. The basics of Nonviolent Communication(SM) and a few other new ways to think, listen and speak provide couples with the communication skills to create a solution that works for both of them and meets their needs for peace, financial recovery, and fairness.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach,

Susan Allan

If your marriage menu offers Chaos or Contentment, participation in your partner's preferred method of communication will tip the scale to peace every time. Learning a new way to respond with the basics of Nonviolent Communication can offer you the language of compassionate communication that you may have been seeking for years.

For support to improve your marriage please look for our new website, www.themarriageforum.com and for one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com Featured on The LA Daily News' BookTalk™ 818-788-9722 x 3655 For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com .