THE 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE© are PANIC, DENIAL, AGONY, RAGE, EPIPHANY, NEGOTIATION AND PEACE

STAGE II DENIAL

DENIAL is the refusal to admit the truth

Have you ever been told, "You're in denial"? Did your friends or family warn you that your marriage was in trouble before you were aware of it yourself? Did anyone say, "I told you so" when you told them about the divorce? DENIAL is not weakness; it is a basic defense mechanism. Sometimes the mind overloads. But the difference between healthy and unhealthy DENIAL is this: healthy DENIAL allows you revisit the subject again and again until you have seen it from all sides and taken appropriate action. When you are in unhealthy DENIAL, you do not see that you have a problem. Before you see the truth, you will first need to see.

Dear Divorce Coach©,

My friends believe that my wife is having an affair and that I am being really stupid. She says that she's with her friends Friday nights and I baby sit. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Turning a blind eye

Dear Turning,

Have you or your friends other reasons to believe that your wife is lying? It would be useful to investigate your wife's whereabouts if you discover any of the following 10 Divorce Danger Signs:

1. Whispered conversations
2. Concealed cell phone calls
3. Secret travel plans
4. Sudden weight loss
5. Unpaid household bills
6. New wardrobe
7. Unexplained gifts
8. Feathering the nest
9. Hidden pornography
10. Love letters

Otherwise, I would question your friends' motives unless you previously expressed a concern yourself. In our booklet, 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, one tip is to be careful in the creation of your "personal support module". This is as true during marriage as it is in divorce.

Dear Divorce Coach©,

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. I have not worked for the last few years and am dependent on him. He says that he agrees to my financial terms. My mother says that he is hiding assets and that he will not provide for us. What can I do?

Signed,

A worried woman

Dear Worried,

Whether your mother's fears are accurate or not, it is important to know your family's financial condition. While you are still married, be sure to accumulate accurate records regarding your husband's earnings and any additional assets that you both may have. While you will have opportunities during "discovery" to request documentation, there is no guarantee that you will be given all the paperwork. By gathering it now, your chances for fairness will be improved.

For a complete explanation of THE 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE©, and for tips on divorce survival and healing please visit www.thedivorceforum.com.

For additional training in THE 7 STAGES, Divorce Forum™ Seminars will be held at Quest in Santa Monica beginning in October.

Please send your questions to susanallan@thedivorceforum.com
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