ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

The 7 STAGES OF LOVE are as follows:
Attachment Phase:
Stage 1 Dependency
Stage 2 Need
Stage 3 Control
Engagement Phase:
Stage 4 Support
Stage 5 Intimacy
Stage 6 Vulnerability
Stage 7 Unselfconsciousness

When we can become the vulnerable and loving person that we are capable of being, we begin to develop a magnetic force that attracts the world. When we remain in fear, unwilling to be open to love and to one another, we are like porcupines, throwing quills to keep others at a distance. When we can offer each other empathy and offer ourselves self-empathy according to Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (see Recommended Reading at www.thedivorceforum.com ), our lives become peaceful because we have ourselves discovered peace.

“When you are controlled by your need to be in control you will defeat yourself. In that defeat, you will confirm what you were taught in the first place and unless you have clear vision, you will begin the cycle again.” Frank Zizzo, Ph.D. at www.thedivorceforum.com

The myth of the all-powerful male and the myth of the powerless female have created roadblocks to equality. While both sexes are trapped in a war created thousands of years ago, we attempt to see through the cultural veils. A fish cannot see the water and a bird cannot see the air and we, too, are blind to our own environment which often becomes a cage. With unconditional love, we know that first we must have this total love of self before we may offer it to another. However, the next level of love is “Unconditional Acceptance”. How often do we see a couple that experiences and expresses love of one another without tension? When they truly enjoy their differences, their similarities and their connection the two can merge into the marriage; they can become one. Where there is true love, forgiveness is already there.

When we observe partners who do not accept themselves they can not accept one another. The difference between acceptance and hopelessness is 180 degrees. In acceptance, we know ourselves and the other as existing in the present. In the future there may be transformation, but the love exists always in the “now”. And as we find in every case, you can either do the work on yourself or you can allow life to do the work on you! Wouldn’t you prefer to work through the 7 STAGES of LOVE during your marriage instead of during a divorce?

Dear Divorce Coach©,

When we married, my wife weighed 120 pounds and was very beautiful and sweet. But now, she has become fat and she is miserable. I love her but it’s killing me to see her killing herself. When I talk about it she becomes defensive. Can you suggest how I can speak to her so that she will stay calm?

Sincerely,

Accept Except……

Dear Accept,

When I read your concern that your wife is harming herself, I feel hopeful that you want to understand the emotions that she is feeling. When she can discover her needs that are not being met in her life and you can discover your own feelings and needs, you will both be ready to create strategies that will allow you to find peace with one another. It is crucial for you to learn the technique of empathy and self-empathy before you begin this conversation so that you can maintain your own calm and so that you can effectively support your wife to discover the cause of her unhappiness.

Sincerely,

Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©

Dear Divorce Coach©,

My husband and I were very happy for the first few years. But since the baby, he is critical and unloving to me, though he is wonderful with our daughter. I don’t know what to do!

Sincerely,

Conditionally Unloved

Dear Conditionally,

When you think of the connection that you and your husband shared when you were first married, do you believe that you each loved unconditionally or that you were more goal-oriented? In marriages that begin with true love, there is an easy transformation back to harmony but if one spouse married “to have a child” and the other married for other “practical reasons”, it is essential to discover if there is love and acceptance beneath pragmatism. Marriages based on “if you do this, I’ll do that” often develop serious problems once one spouse has “gotten what he came for”. Through coaching you can discover if there is love and a true Mind, Body and Spirit connection possible for both of you.

Sincerely,

Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©

Dear Divorce Coach©,

After thirty years my wife and I seem to have nothing in common. We are civil to one another but that’s all. Is there a way to reconnect?

Sincerely,

Parallel Universe

Dear Parallel,

Often, couples lose the connection as they distract themselves with career and family considerations. But the unconditional love that first connected you will still be there under all the debris of thirty years if you are willing to investigate together. During coaching, each partners’ feelings and needs are discovered and communicated, creating the space for unconditional love and acceptance to reemerge.

Sincerely,

Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©

Please send your questions to susanallan@thedivorceforum.com