ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

THE PARENTING TRAP

 Some divorced parents refuse to introduce a new love interest to their children for fear that the child will become upset or disappointed if the relationship ends. The concern may be that if the new friend goes away or is sent away that this will cause emotional distress to their children. We asked Sally Franz, parenting expert, youth minister and author for her wisdom on this essential aspect of divorce and dating.

“My question is this…Why are you dating someone who you already have doubts about? Why are you so quickly involved with someone without first becoming just friends? You should approach new relationships as friendships that will last a lifetime. How would you build one like that? You'd take your time. You wouldn't push for physical intimacy, You'd see what they are committed to. You'd see if they possess communication skills. You would watch their reactions; are they stingy or generous? Is their thinking based on fear or love? How do they handle anger? Is their faith similar to yours? You'd spend less time with someone lacking friendship skills. Here's what it boils down to: If the person you are dating is not kind, faith-based, and generous, not only should you keep your kids away from them---you shouldn't see them either!” Sally Franz, youth minister and author of The Baby Boomers Guide series

Dear Divorce Coach,

My friend is going through a separation/divorce. There is a 12 yr. old child involved. There has been no custody awarded as of yet. They live in Illinois , and she wants to move to California . Legally, can she bring her 12 yr. old son with her?

Sincerely,
Child care to spare

Dear Child,

There are many factors involved in custody and if the father fights the move it may be difficult unless there is a job involved in the relocation. Many couples who agree on joint custody create a parenting plan that involves awarding school days to one parent and holidays to the other. However, there are many options that may be more appropriate. There are different strategies that she may employ to encourage a mediated settlement that may meet the needs of both parents and the child. I have seen agreements where the parent wishing increased custody has agreed to accept diminished child support in order to “sweeten the deal”. I offer a 1 hr. free coaching session to demonstrate how she may improve her negotiation skills to reach a settlement.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

My wife & I have been married for 18 years. We have 3 kids, all under 18. We don't get along anymore, fighting about money, kids, and anything else that's handy. We have gone through marriage counseling, but the "skills" we have learned from counseling seem to "wear off" after a while. I would like to get a divorce but it would be a "mess" financially because we live paycheck to paycheck. If we get a divorce, would the judge award the house and everything else to my wife, because she would undoubtedly get custody of the kids?

Sincerely,
Daddy Dearest

Dear Daddy,

When I read about your skills wearing off, you may benefit from the “big picture” of Nonviolent Communication™. Because it is a new way of thinking and then of listening and speaking, clients often find that their relationships begin to turn around within weeks of training. Before you give up the ghost, you may also wish to see my video training, "How to Avoid Divorce" at www.thedivorceforum.com. I offer a one hour free phone coaching session with either/both partners to begin teaching the basics. Also, why are you positive that your wife be granted sole custody? Are you aware that the court may decide that the house should be sold in order to provide 2 residences? If you learn these new communication skills, you may save some of the cost of mediation or legal fees by using these techniques to discuss your future.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

After almost 10 years, my wife has sued me for divorce. I am shocked and sad. We have two beautiful daughters. She wants custody, child support, etc. We live together; she wants me to move out. Will I lose, in court if I leave? It's not fun being the same house with her.

Sincerely yours,
Tracking my packing

Dear Tracking,

As you have some power, in that your wife wants the divorce and wants financial support, etc, I urge you to visit a divorce financial planner privately right away to learn the probable outcome in your case. THEN schedule with a divorce mediator with your wife to create a separation agreement that is fair to both of you. One issue will be your moving out without prejudicing your case in any way. If you wish referrals, let us know.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Many divorcing couples believe that their only choices are a solution that works for themselves, their partner or for their children. Rarely, is there awareness that with Nonviolent Communication, techniques used in war-torn countries worldwide, create solutions that works for everyone.

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com