ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

The Song of Life

 “I've lived as my mother and father did; we've listened to The Song of Life.” Katherine Hepburn 1907-2003

Now that a new year has begun, how will we spend it; wisely or wastefully? For those who experienced fear, anger or grief during the holidays, what can you do to transform yourself before next December? What wonderful news can you create between now and then? If your emotions are triggered by finances, what steps can you take for a turn-around? If loneliness is the cause of your sadness, what will you do to increase your relationship options? If a current relationship is the problem, will you turn it around or will you divorce? There are endless strategies available; will you select one or lapse into hopelessness? Even if your choice of direction is not entirely effective, it is preferable to no action at all. By understanding your goals and by moving forward, you return to Life and that is the first step.

Dear Divorce Coach,

I do not want a divorce. However, I have found that after 17 1/2 years of trying to make a mediocre marriage work, I am tired. I have been the one that has steered away from divorce, because that is what I really believe, commitment, till death do us part, for better for worse. My husband has been raised around divorce all of his life, while I watched my parents work through their problems of 36 years of marriage. I can honestly say that although my parents had a couple of rough spots, overall their marriage seemed happy. My husband is a negative person, while I am a positive one. He yells, while I am calm. He tends to overreact, while I think things through. The truth of the matter is I love my husband, but if he can't show me love or tell me he loves me more frequently, I really don't know why I stay. We have a son who is 17. I have seen what divorces have done to some of his friends. They are a mess. I need help. My husband won't even consider counseling. Do I give in and give him the divorce that he asks for each time a big fight ensues (by the way, in a couple of days he apologizes and says he didn't mean to say that) or should I stay and keep fighting?

Sincerely,
Fightin' and Frightened

Dear Fightin',

When you say that the marriage is “mediocre” which of your needs are not being met and which of your husbands? If you love each other, I am guessing that is the reason you stay. In addition, I imagine that you feel grief-stricken that you have not yet been able to turn the relationship around and to meet all of your needs and your husbands. But which strategies do you implement and where have you looked for support? In our “How to Avoid Divorce” video training, you will discover your own needs and your husband's and how to create peace and joy at home.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband and I recently had a cooperative divorce. I really didn't want a divorce but he had found someone else and I felt it was my only option. Now his relationship is over and we are still friends and occasionally do things together. It is a platonic relationship at this point. If we become intimate again will it cause me to lose my alimony? I'm embarrassed to ask my lawyer.

Sincerely yours,
Lover Boy or Bye

Dear Lover

I have heard of cases where one spouse seduces the other to attempt to remove the financial obligation. Before you become vulnerable, you should consider whether you love your husband and want to reconcile or if this is a temporary solution to loneliness. If you reject him a second time, he may respond with rage and attorneys, so consult your own lawyer first to discover any vulnerability in your case.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Are you The Analyzer? Are you more Intellectual; exploring and sharing ideas or Crisis;joining abilities to handle difficulties?

Are you The Planner? Do you prefer to Work, standing shoulder to shoulder to accomplish goals or Commitment:; dedication to a vision larger than the family?

Are you Intuitive? Do you prefer to be Sexual, sharing physical ecstasy or Spiritual, expressing the meaning of life or God or Interpersonal; communicating innermost feelings?

Are you Emotional? Are you Aesthetic, enjoying natural and artistic beauty or Creative, sharing creative arts; conceiving & parenting children, building a house or Recreational, playing together?

These are based on The Herrmann Brain Dominance™ Model and on additional research provided by William M. Stierle of Corporate Culture Development and The Divorce Forum™:

Within weeks, how can you transform your life; from lonely to lover? What did your last partner say about you; what do you honestly think of yourself? If one of these thoughts is true, is it holding you back from realizing your dreams? The truth is not about self-criticism but about evolution; is it time to drop an old behavior that no longer serves you? When you dream your future, how do you “be”? Valentine's Day arrives on February 14 th . Would you prefer to enhance or to change partners and dance?