ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

VULNER-ABILITY

 There are many causes of divorce; however, what is the cause of marriage? Marriage may be considered the response to feelings of love or feelings of fear. Sometimes, the warm fuzzy feelings almost force people to ask, “Will you marry me”? Sometimes, thoughts of being alone forever, concerns with health or finance, or the need to share parenting responsibilities motivate the decision. How many couples begin with love and end when their feeling of vulnerability triggers PANIC? Since PANIC is one of The 7 STAGES of DIVORCE, it is essential to understand vulnerability BEFORE you experience it. Otherwise, your first sensation of vulnerability may be your last! The 7 STAGES OF LOVE are as follows; in the Attachment phase there is Dependency; Need and Control. During Engagement there is Support, Intimacy and Vulnerability and the 7 th STAGE of LOVE is Unselfconsciousness.

“No one is really a victim. However, once you've given away your power, it can be a difficult and lengthy process to regain it. After you discover this, you will have taken the first step to making different choices for the future.” Deanie Kramer, Founder of Divorce Resources and mediator for Divorce Court Television.

Dear Divorce Coach,

I am a low income mom of two children. I work at a convenience store so I don't make much money. I desperately want a divorce from my husband of seventeen years. We own a house but he says I will be the one who will be forced to leave because he has his own lawn business and makes more money. Please tell me if this is true.

Sincerely,
Low woman on the totem pole

Dear Low,

I would urge you to have a 1 hr. consultation with a Divorce Financial Planner who will explain all the angles to you BEFORE you demand a divorce. If you wish a referral, please let us know. When I read, “he says I will be the one who will be forced to leave”, I am guessing that over the years, you and your husband have created a habit in which he pushes and you retreat. There are many factors that are considered after a 17 yr. "long term marriage". Your husband may be attempting to scare you into silence but as in many similar cases, he may be liable for spousal support to you and if the children are minors, child support would most likely fall to him as well. However, you may be forced by the court to sell the house since you would now require 2 separate homes/apts for the family.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

Can a husband win while women lose everything after a divorce?

Sincerely,
Scared Silent

Dear Scared,

Yes and vice versa. My job is to make sure that my clients aren't the ones who lose everything! For a free phone coaching session, let me know the days/times that work.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

Please help me understand how I can get him to sign the documents so that the house where we lived as husband and wife become my house only.  We have been divorced for more than seven months, but yet, he still trying to keep control of the house. My name is not on the Deed, but I have been making all the mortgage payments for the past year and a half. He lives in Puerto Rico and doesn't' pay anything even though the loan is in his name. Please help.

Sincerely,
House Hostage

Dear House,

You are in a very sticky situation if the divorce has been finalized and this house issue was not resolved as part of the divorce agreement. Often, in marriage, one partner has a different assumption or understanding from the other. When the issues are not discussed and when there is no true agreement, anger builds and builds. Since your name is not on the Deed and since you have not succeeded in having him sign a Quit Claim, I am unclear about whether he ever agreed that it would become your house. Issues to consider are; did he purchase the home before the marriage; for how long did he make the payments; etc.? You may be able to make a deal with him but I need more info to suggest a strategy. I offer a 1 hr. free phone consultation for these trainings.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

In the early stages of a relationship, the balance of power is created and maintained. After creating this habit it becomes difficult to alter it without negotiation. However, it is the lack of discussion skills that created the original imbalance. How can a spouse who feels powerless, regain power? It is easiest to share power from the beginning instead of relinquishing it. Fear is behind the desire to give up power; fear is behind the need to maintain it. Where do you fit and where does your spouse? When you understand that power is tied to fear, you will begin to alter the balance of authority. Take baby steps, because like standing up in a row boat, most relationships can be easily tipped over.

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com