ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

WILL YOU TAKE YOUR HEART OUT OF PROTECTIVE CUSTODY THIS VALENTINE’S DAY?

“A true champion is not merited on one day’s performance. A true champion is someone who can come up from nothing; to the heights of championship status; to maintain consistency and to come back after defeat. That is a true champion.”
from Warrior Within by Kevin Brewerton

Have you completed your past? Have you forgiven yourself, forgiven your partner, found PEACE and opened your heart to a new relationship? Is your answer to this question the truth? Can you point to evidence that you are free of the past? Or has your ex put a hex on you?

Through coaching, many of my clients may begin to see the true result of divorce; their unwillingness to trust, to be vulnerable and their inability to feel hopeful about the future. When they begin to investigate their “Story”, using the 4 Questions of Byron Katie, they can often turn the story around and find PEACE. Sometimes, in considering an ex, the story, “he should have loved me” can become “I should have loved him”. Even the story, “she destroyed my life” can become “she did not destroy my life” or “I destroyed my own life”. Then that statement may be investigated and turned around to “My life was not destroyed”. How is it possible to review a story of despair, betrayal and divorce and see it through new eyes? If we blame others for our life, we often feel relieved to place responsibility elsewhere. However, if we are not the cause, we can never be the cure. Using The 4 Questions in coaching, it becomes possible to see our path more clearly and take a different fork in the road in the future.

In a love relationship, instead of holding on, do you pull away? Do you have difficulty understanding the difference between your fear and anger? Do you find yourself arguing repeatedly with your partner about small issues? Do you have a need to orchestrate your relationship?

Dear Divorce Coach©,

It’s been 5 years since she left but I’m just not interested in dating. My family thinks I’m nuts. What now?

Sincerely,

Restart My Heart

Dear Restart,

I urge you to do the work on your residual PANIC, AGONY and RAGE which will create a space of PEACE in which to invite a new partner. Can you visualize your life once the fear of being hurt again diminishes? This is what is available to you.

Sincerely,

The Divorce Coach©

Dear Divorce Coach©,

When my husband cheated on me I felt like he’d left me for dead but I feel less miserable now. But I just can’t seem to make any relationship stick- what can I do?

Signed,
Lover’s Leap

Dear Lover’s

When we find ourselves starting a relationship but not merging into one, as a couple or as a marriage, it is our PANIC and RAGE that stops us. When we do the work to process these emotions and to investigate our “Story” about the past, we can find PEACE. Only then can we begin again and give and receive love.

Sincerely,

The Divorce Coach©

For a complete explanation of THE 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE© and for tips on divorce survival and healing please visit www.thedivorceforum.com.

Please send your questions to susanallan@thedivorceforum.com