ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

COVERT, OVERT, DIVERT!

 One client has recently discovered that his ability to “create” miracles is exactly as I had promised. Now he understands it is helpful to “be careful what you wish for”. When he began divorce coaching he felt grief because his need for companionship and intimacy were not being met as a result of the divorce. At first, he believed that reconnection with his wife would provide peace and joy, and yet….. When we are clear that our partner's behaviors do not meet our needs for peace what are the options? One option is to love unconditionally, to accept your partner exactly as is, not “as advertised”. This frees your partner from “covert behavior” and allows your relationship to transform immediately. Another client is triggered by her husband providing information that is not truthful. When she understood that her response to the truth has been punitive, critical, angry or grieving and that her husband's need for peace isn't met during these conversations, she saw a new reason to think, speak and demonstrate acceptance. Whether you refuse to accept your partner's behaviors and deal with covert actions or let go of resistance and enjoy the truthful overt behaviors is up to you. However, what can you do to change your partner into a different person? Did you really ask that?

These clients may prefer to find partners who meet their needs for peace and trust, but often the need for self-respect, financial security or family holds them back. For a spouse married to someone they identify as “troubled”, the bond requires self-acceptance and acceptance of others without labels, the basis of Nonviolent Communication(SM). When the partner leaves precipitously, it is more challenging to accept and to move on unless you understand that the first decision, before your partner left was yours. Did you ever look at your relationship and think, “No more!”? Then, hours or days later when your spouse leaves or finds another sexual partner, were you surprised ? When your partner's need is for self-respect and respect can he or she tolerate being labeled as a patient? When your need is for gratitude, the assumption that may be helpful is that only a partner who possesses self-respect can offer you the gratitude and mutuality that you desire, otherwise fear may be triggered. When you understand the truth about Cause and Effect, the best strategy is to love your partner unconditionally, learn Self-empathy and Empathy and teach it to everyone you know!

“Thank you so much for your advice...really need it right now, would love to take you up on the phone coaching session, you seem to have a good grasp on both aspects of my situation. Thank you again for your time, and input...I definitely appreciate it.” S Samson Abilene Texas

Dear Divorce Coach,

It's amazing; she's called me twice since I've learned Self-empathy and Empathy! I don't take the calls. She's left sweet messages thanking me for being so kind. I can't trust her. She's still not 'getting help for her issues. Thank you for showing me the dance steps 

Sincerely yours,
Fred from Despair to Astaire

Dear Fred,

You may feel amazed that your new internal acceptance caused your ex-wife to reconnect. That may be the quality that she most enjoyed in the beginning of your relationship. When we wish companionship, consider your partner's need and if you can offer that, it's a match. If you cannot, be truthful and empathetic because as you know, covert doesn't work for anyone.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach,
Susan Allan


Dear Divorce Coach,

While I was in the hospital in December, 2003, my ex-husband sued me for divorce.  Because I was sick and unable to defend myself or go to court the judge awarded my ex with EVERYTHING.  My ex cheated on me through the duration of our marriage and I have proof.  I would like to file a motion for reconsider, but I can't find a lawyer that will even touch the case.  Because of my illness I am unable to work.  The doctors can verify this. Help!

Sincerely yours,
Defenseless or Senseless?

Dear Defenseless,

When attorneys are unwilling to represent you, you may be fortunate. The money to fight a case that is hopeless would be a double blow to your finances and possibly to your health as well. Unless you can provide evidence that justifies reopening the case, it is best to accept what you couldn't see in advance of the marriage and to reflect on the growth that may have occurred as you now see the truth. It is not as comforting as recouping the time or the money, but you have seen the truth and your entire future will reflect new choices. First, you may need to forgive yourself and find self-acceptance.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach,
Susan Allan

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com . For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com