ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

ATTRACTION, AVERSION & ACCEPTANCE

Are you living on a rollercoaster that has not been checked for structural defects? Are you whizzing around the track waiting for the next bumper car? Are you enjoying the ride? For some, this “fast track” life is glorious; for some it is torture, while for others it is experienced as exciting and terrifying. Where do you fit and what are the preferences of your partner and children?

Have you noticed that each day you are triggered so that your emotional state bounces from anger to fear to grief and back again? Have you worked on yourself so that you now pause for peace in between the panic and passion? Have you dreamed of a calm life with friends and family that includes emotional and financial safety as well as work that you enjoy and which makes a difference in the world? If this is your dream, have you considered the following?

“Some people are controlled by their need to be in control… Worrying about the future puts yourself in an impossible place in which you have absolutely no power and the self-fulfilling prophecy will be realized.” Frank Zizzo, Ph.D., Consultant to www.thedivorceforum.com

Dear Divorce Coach,

If a judge issued a final decision, is there any recourse that she would have.   She feels for the large amount of $$$$$$$$$$ that she paid her attorney she basically got nothing.  The father has visitation rights on Tues and Thurs overnight and every other weekend from Thursday night through Monday evening.  Does this seem realistic, and not only her ex insists on taking all their living room, dining room, one entire bedroom set and study furniture, plus hundreds of dollars worth of china that they had acquired over the 7 year period.  I am very concerned for my daughter and thinking about the fact that he is the one who had the affair and she ended up with almost nothing makes her father and I and other family just sick...............plain sick.  Does she have any recourse?  Her attorney suggested she not appeal it.  Her attorney basically did NOTHING FOR HER.

Sincerely yours,
Sick in the Nick of Time?

Dear Sick,

Your daughter's emotional state would determine if she was able to get the “best” from her “one of the best” lawyers. It is about learning how to manage your own case and your attorney and that is one of the aspects of the divorce coaching I offer. Yes, she may hire a different attorney and appeal the court's decision; may refuse to pay any pending money due the first attorney and contact her local bar association to launch a formal complaint. Whether it is worth the time/money depends on many factors. I offer a free one hour phone session for people interested in divorce coaching and she may wish to schedule a time before she misses further opportunities to find peace.

Ask The Divorce Coach,
Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

Thank you for your coaching; I know my work is cut out for me. I will receive her totally when she comes back and I will not let her go without listening and hearing her, too. I know she is in a lot of pain, I am not the only source of it for her.  I am just the biggest. 

Sincerely,
Hilt of Guilt

Dear Hilt,

Your ability to be totally connected and intimate is NOT dependent on anyone else being, doing etc. anything. If you can feel and express your unconditional love and connection no matter what, you may have a more wonderful relationship than ever before, in spite of this current situation. Rather than focusing on the past, can you be in the present with your feelings and with hers; accepting that this is the situation now?

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach,
Susan Allan

The results in our lives are just that; results and not the primary cause. It is our thinking, listening, speaking and acting that is the true cause of most of our experiences. For individuals who call me to consider how to fix their partners, they believe that their partner is causing their unhappiness. These clients often begin their coaching work with a misunderstanding that they are attracted to certain behaviors of their spouse and children and that they have an aversion to others. They usually believe that even in a vacuum, each family member's behavior would remain unchanged. In fact, the habits of attraction and aversion are the stimulus and thus the cause of many behaviors that we do not enjoy in those close to us. Once we practice acceptance it is astounding to many clients how quickly their partners “change”.

Instead of feeling confronted about the shift from aversion to acceptance, can you think of a time when your husband or wife wouldn't accept your preference about something? Can you recall your struggle with the discussions and disagreement? Did that motivate you to consider another option? For most people, freedom of choice is a primary need and they will do almost anything to guard that right. Therefore, letting go, and acceptance may offer the peace, space and respect your partner needs to reconsider different options.

For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com Featured on The LA Daily News' BookTalk™ 818-788-9722 x 3655 For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets , and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com .