ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For more information on SECRET DIVORCE STRATEGIES HOW TO MOVE TO THE 7th STAGE of DIVORCE, PEACE
www.thedivorceforum.com

The path to THE 7th STAGE OF DIVORCE, PEACE, includes discoveries in PARENTING

"My children …were…letting me know that I couldn't make them do anything. All I could do was make them wish they had-through punishment. Then eventually they taught me that any time I was foolish enough to make them wish they had complied by punishing them, they had ways of making me wish that I hadn't!" from Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

Dear Divorce Coach©,

My wife is an alcoholic who was in recovery. She's started drinking binges, lying and black-outs again. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage; joint custody. I have been with them for 6 years. She recently disappeared, did not call to tell me she was alive! Back in recovery now, she is distant. What can I do; should I divorce her? I am absolutely desperate for her, for myself and for the children.

Signed,

Wasted and Wrecked

Dear Wasted,

Please visit www.cnvc.org to support you during your wife's process. There is no guarantee that as you become more peaceful that your wife will follow. She may prefer turbulence with someone else. This is your real decision: to unconditionally love yourself and to unconditionally love your wife; not one or the other. When you look behind the label "alcoholic" or "liar ", see a woman unable to know her true needs and struggling to have those needs met. You may discover that taking care of your wife and her children provides your own basic needs. Or you may discover that you have a need for Peace, greater than those needs. Or you may find that you are torn, wanting to contribute and wanting to have a grounded existence. When you avoid judgments and observe needs, you will see and you will decide.

Sincerely,

Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©

Dear Divorce Coach©,

I did not marry my son's father. Now, due to large debts, he is filing for bankruptcy. How can I protect myself and the child support I receive?

Signed,

Debt Dread

Dear Dread,

I urge you to move swiftly. Even if the court orders payment, collecting is the problem. Have you encouraged the father to avoid filing and to work through his money issues? Have you other financial sources? If you are not working, you may need to. As you handle this issue, you may experience PANIC, DENIAL, AGONY, RAGE. Please review the 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE www.thedivorceforum.com

Dear Divorce Coach©,

My husband was awarded joint custody of our children. Since the divorce, he has been dating a woman who's influence worries me. His apartment is filthy; the children appear at school, looking unkempt. Since he has not worked in a few years, he's asking for financial support from me. I feel as if I were being punished for working hard; punished for being a decent person and now punished for being a good mom. What can I do to stop the bleeding?

Signed,

Scarred and Scared

Dear Scarred,

Often, a spouse will request joint custody to improve chances for spousal support. While this may not be the case with your husband, you should consider it when you discuss your options with your attorney. If you have credible witnesses such as teachers, the school principal and friends, you may want to return to court to reopen the custody decision.

Sincerely,

Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©

As parents, we often become so concerned with the welfare of our children and for their future well-being, that we ignore their need for autonomy. When we consider our own upbringing; the freedom to develop as we had wished, to choose our own careers, to find and pursue our own marriages, to create our own lives, how do we feel? For many of us, re-examining our own parent's behavior stimulates us to feel angry and frustrated. Is there another way to provide love, encouragement and support for our children without creating the environment for future repercussions?

"The objective of NVC (nonviolent communication) is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone's needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg