ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

GRAND THEFT: HUSBAND

Was it really stealing? Perhaps you were on auto-pilot and your spouse, in neutral, just rolled forward, down the hill and out of sight. What can you do now? Many wives contact me to save their marriage after the separation. Many husbands send me emails telling me what's wrong with their spouse and P.S., “How can I get her BACK???? Please!”

If you knew your marriage was in trouble, what would you do? If you knew your family was in jeopardy how far would you go to seek help and transformation? For many, servicing their car is more regular than servicing their marriage. What are the danger signs; how many have you ignored and what can you do now, before it's too late?

Divorce Danger Signs

Before the car breaks down, do you check the dashboard for danger? Before it runs out of gas, do you notice if you're “running on empty”?

Dear Divorce Coach,

My almost-X enabled me to enjoy, golf and fishing for the first few years. Then she cracked the whip and I loved working. The attitude, now, is she is unhappy again and wants out. Where do I go from here? Our Boy is only 8 years old. We fight rather than rekindle the flame. I would get a coach just as have one for my work. Maybe humans should have 7 year marriage contract with option to renew?

Respectfully,

Get Over IT

Dear Get,

I would suggest my “How to Avoid Divorce” training video that you may enjoy.

You would receive new techniques of thinking, listening, speaking and acting that will allow you to reconnect to your wife with love and move past the sadness, disappointment, fear and anger. It is most interesting that only one spouse need do the work for the relationship to transform. I offer individual role-play training based on individual stories, issues and needs. Even if the spouse chooses to divorce, this training may be remarkable in allowing for calm mediation instead of confrontational legal proceedings. I totally agree on the "option to renew"!

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan  

CLIENT: “I'm happier than I've been with her in a long time; a lot of the tensions that were there are gone! Thank you. TH Santa Monica , CA

Dear Divorce Coach,

I have been married 2 years to an alcoholic/drug addict. I knew this before marriage but it has gotten worse. We are friends; not lovers. I am miserable and I don't know if I could handle the guilt of divorcing him. I am starving for attention and don't see things improving. We live from paycheck to paycheck and sometimes can't pay our bills. I can take care of myself alone but I can't work up the nerve to leave. I do love him a lot and don't know if I can handle the guilt if I leave him. Not to mention missing him. Please advise.

Drug and chug-a-lug

Dear Drug and chug-a-lug,

You describe the scenario of most marriages that include drug usage and I urge you to visit Alanon for their excellent support. In addition, I would coach you to address the “guilt of divorcing him or leaving him”. Often, one partner has a need to contribute and the other has a need for emotional and/or financial support. Or you may have a need for companionship while he needs more privacy. Once you can examine your needs and his, strategies may be created that would allow you both to choose our next step.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

According to Herrmann Brain Dominance™, there are four individual thinking styles; Logical, Organized, Emotional and Visionary. Many spouses complain that their mate isn't romantic and that they feel unloved. Often a husband believes that his income demonstrates love or a wife believes that her mothering the children is evidence of her commitment to her husband. Frequently, one spouse needs more privacy and peace while the other prefers group activities and companionship. If one is more pragmatic and left-brained while the other is more emotional or holistic and right-brained what can they do to connect and to stay in communication? If the partners don't speak the same “language” of love, there is constant misunderstanding and needs are not met. Can you guess your type and your partner's and if so, can you imagine how to show your love and commitment that would be most appreciated?

If your partner is logical can you practice not hearing criticism but hearing objective analysis? If your spouse is detailed, can you hear support in scheduling instead of pressure or disgust? If you are the emotional one, can you view you're mate's balancing the checkbook as loving and supportive? Finally, if you are the visionary one, thinking about the future, can you feel gratitude that your “other half” is fixed in the present and dealing with now?

In relationships as in business, you have the choice to be everything and do everything or to hire those who can offer the necessary support. However, if you focus on your own abilities and consider what is missing as a shortcoming, you will suffer. If you consider your partner's skills as a gigantic plus and absent talents as a minus, won't your relationship consistently suffer?

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com