ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

SANTA ASKS; ARE YOU NAUGHTY OR NICE?

 Once a year, the child in each of you may be thinking, what does naughty look like when we are adults? Which behaviors really are nice? When you observe your young children aren't their choices easier? When are needs include financial freedom and sexuality, what puts you on Santa's “good little girl and boy” list?

The holidays create one additional strain on some divorced couples engaged in co-parenting; “do or don't have sex with the ex?” In many divorces where one partner still feels love, passion and longing, what are the most helpful behaviors? In every decision, there are factors of individual prioritization that may include the following needs: connection, companionship, peace, self-respect; joy, love, bliss, fun, sexuality etc. There is no strategy that works for everyone; no “one size fits all” behavior. If one partner is committed to reconciliation, his or her strategies will be different than if he or she is working on distance and moving into a peaceful and separate future. Which are your priorities?

Dear Divorce Coach,

In California after a divorce is final, is there a waiting period before the parties can marry someone else? Someone told me there is a 6 month waiting period before I can marry again.

Sincerely,

Over and Out,

Dear Over,

This response is from Mark Patt, Esq., managing partner of Trope and Trope, the largest family law firm in Los Angeles , “No, there is no waiting period. You might be confusing the six month period from when a case is first served. The earliest a divorce can be final is six months after a petition is served.”

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

I have been separated since March of 2003. Me and my children moved rather suddenly when my husband had a bad drug problem and threatened by life. Since he has lost our home to the bank with a lot of my belongings. He is a computer technician and basically works for himself, so he shows no income. He agreed to pay $200 per week for child support (we have two children). He has not lived up to his agreement, every once in awhile he pays. I have filled out child support papers but he will show no income so I know that I will not receive much from him. My main concern is my children; he has not made an effort to see them, but now is demanding that I bring them to his new residence where he is renting a room from two other men. I am very worried about this, he is not a trustworthy person, they are only 3 and 4 yrs old and I know that he will not watch them and I am afraid of what might happen to them. I am not sure if he is clean from drugs or what he is doing.

Sincerely,

Pulling out the rug- with a drug

Dear Pulling,

I understand your concerns for your children's safety. Since your husband has not yet been granted any custody decision; joint custody or otherwise "but now is demanding that" etc. let him know calmly and quietly that all this will be decided in family court and not by him. It is urgent that you gather witnesses and evidence of his drug problem and to be able to have these witnesses appear on your behalf. I will also make suggestions about having the court order a Psychological Evaluation which will help you.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Client: “Thank you for such wonderful advice” JW

Dear Divorce Coach,

Two days after our 10 year anniversary, I obtained a video of my husband and another woman in our own bed. This was not the first time he had cheated on me. I told him I wanted a divorce. I allowed him to stay in my daughter's bedroom until he got an apartment. It is now 5 months later and he has not given me any child support. He bought clothes once and toys. Now he is living with the same woman and he is rubbing it in to me that he is with someone else. He constantly says that I failed at the marriage and it was my fault. He says that he and this woman are getting married and that she is pregnant. How can he be so cruel? How can he not take care of his kids but can have a baby with this other woman? Why does all this hurt so bad and will it ever go away? Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

Dead in Bed

Dear Dead,

From what you have said and from the numerous similar cases I have observed, I am guessing that your husband feels more valued by his new girlfriend than he did in the marriage. Also, she may be better suited to share a life with him or she may express more gratitude for what he does provide. I believe in every similar case, you can look back to a time before the loss of trust and discover when YOU decided you were finished with the marriage.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan  

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com