E-MAIL TO A FRIEND

TYING THE NOT IN HOLLYWOOD

By Sean Crespo

After more than 10 years as Tinseltown's most glittery twosome, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman have been uncoupled as per orders from their publicist, Pat Kingsley. A brief statement issued Monday by Pat explains why the split is happening, "Divorce Sells Movie Tickets".

Pat was unavailable for further comment.

Robert Downey Jr., who is losing his role in the upcoming film, "America's Sweethearts" due to pending court dates and whose wife recently filed for a divorce, was hospitalized last weekend as a result of a mysterious bout with depression. Hospital staff have been put on their guard, trying to guess which bed Downey will wake up in each day and have gone as far as "tagging" him, nature show style. "It's almost preternatural, even when unconscious and on medication, his ability to simply awake in a pallet sometimes in a completely separate wing. One time last week he [Downey] was found on a gurney in an ambulance that was still in a garage being repaired," said an anonymous hospital staffer.

Deborah Falconer, Downey's wife, has been separated for 2 years from him, and only postponed divorce in consideration of India, their 7 year old son, who last year was given a race car shaped bed ala SILVER SPOONS. But perhaps the bed was more than just for show as India has yet to turn up this morning and is believed to have driven long distances, on a sugar-induced high, simply to find and fall asleep in a strange bed. Police are holding out hope that he may still be in the greater LA metro area.

TV LISTINGS: Robert Downey Jr. can be seen this week on both Aly McBeal and the CRAZY MATTRESS Sale-A-Thon commercial. The divorce proceedings will be aired live, via satellite to over 300 nations, following which will be the exciting child-custody battle. Stay tuned.

************

Meg Ryan was dumped recently by Russel Crowe. "I can't take it anymore" he barked when she cornered him in his room at the Bel Aire Hotel. Russel later said she was smothering him. Literally. He was, in fact, resuscitated by paramedics for the second time in their relationship.

The manly actor complained frequently of beatings and spousal abuse, making many extra trips to the hospital to undergo emergency ball-transplant surgery, a difficult (to find donors) and costly procedure. Crowe reportedly went through 8 pairs on the set of 'GLADIATOR" alone, an on-set perk he is well known in abusing.

Crowe has a court order that Ryan may not approach within one mile of his new abode, where he lives in peace with his team of eunuch servants.

************

Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin have recently signed a quadrillion picture, life-term deal to play the roles of two film actors newly divorced from each other. The parts will require extensive legal preparation, and as a sign of their commitments to the roles, the two have moved into separate houses and begun bickering loudly and throwing flatware in front of their 5 year old daughter, Ireland, on visiting days at Warner Bros.' Permanent Child Care Funatorium, where she will be allowed to play with Drew Barrymore's old toys. In other news this week, "STATE AND MAIN" holds onto the number one spot this week on the movie charts, while Baldwin's daughter holds on to his lower calf begging him and mommy to "love each other again, please. I'm sorry. It was my fault. I'll change, Daddy, if only you'll love mommy again. " Kudos to you, Alec, Kim.

************

Helen Hunt and Hank Azaria are all set join the bar scene again. A visibly upset Azaria, however, pleaded for a temporary reprieve from the divorce in the comical voice of the SIMSPON'S Professor Frink. "Unghey!" said the upset character actor. Upon noticing a completely unmoved Hunt, Azaria switched tactics and made the clever and telling observation that her last name rhymes with another, less palatable word. Azaria is being treated at Shriner's Memorial hospital.

************

Harrison Ford, who is said to love strip joints, splits from his wife of 17 years, Melissa Mathison, citing rudeness in the bedroom, where Mathison would throw back and sometimes rip up the $20 bills Ford would leave on the bedside table after sex. A very easily aroused legal counsel refused to serve as Ford's divorce lawyer on the grounds that "he is an idiot."

************

Freddie Prinze Jr. proposes to Sarah Michelle Gellar with his and her bowling balls and she says, "Yes." Can you believe it? I was like "Oh-MY God!" And he's all like, "I know. Totally." And I'm like, "You used to be such a geek, and like, now you are so sheik." Whoa.

************

Macaulay Culkin's 2 year marriage ends. Fortunately for him, in legal proceedings, his former spouse was not awarded any extra money or property due to the outstanding alimony Culkin still owes his father, from whom he was legally separated from in 1995.

E-MAIL TO A FRIEND